Saturday, October 6, 2018

October rains

I used to love waking up to rain in the fall. She'd be snuggled in the crook of my arm still sleeping. The window would be open, but I could still hear her breathing.  I could feel her heart beating with mine. I'd give anything for that with her again. I just hope sometimes when she thinks about me, she  remembers the good stuff. It definitely outweighed our bad. I'm sorry it's not enough for her to want now.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Can you blame me?

My friend's son took his own life a few days ago.
A few weeks ago, another friend of mine did too.

Here is what I am going to say...
It's the most relatable feeling I have.
I know everyone just gasped and people are freaking out right now.
Just listen.

This is how depression works:
Everyone is about to tell me how much they love me, how much I will be missed, and to think of my son.
You're right. I do have all of those things. I think about them all the time.
Honestly, I have many reasons to keep breathing.  I can find the good in everything.

But then there's the Dark.
The sweet, nurturing, call of darkness that constantly sings it's sweet melody in your ears.
You hear it in EVERYTHING!!!
You learn from the darkness.
You learn how to hide it like an addiction. Because it IS an addiction.
You learn you can cover it up by a smile and a joke.

You learn how to read people, and know exactly what to say to stop them from worrying about you. If they see this Dark in you, they will want to try to take it away. They want to take away the one thing that makes you feel so void, yet complete, yet invisible.

You really don't want to hurt anyone, so you withdraw. Then you're called a shitty friend. You stop getting invited because, "You never come anyways." Then the calls, texts, and social media exchanges stop.

What you have left? The Dark, It never lets you down.  It's always there with the open arms to take you right back in. You can't get away.

Even when you have a good day, and start to feel better, you crash... why??? The dark is right around the corner and you ran right into it.
You can't get the fuck away!!!!

Your head starts to spin on how to get rid of it, how to finally make it go away. Thinking of family, friends, reaching out, getting help, taking meds.
It masks, but doesn't take it away.

That's when the thoughts start.
The Suicidal thoughts.
The sweet thought of Freedom from the Dark.
"If I'm not here, the Dark can't happen."
I know people will be hurt if I go, but they won't see the Dark take me over. I WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!!!

The process of suicide is always thought out. It never just "happens" one day. It's just giving in. Finally calling a loss form the battle.

What does thinking about it do? Makes you feel worthless, unwanted, unloved.
We know its not us. But we feel like empty shells.
Shells are pretty, aren't they? Give the smile and the joke...and restart the cycle until you are gone.

When someone reaches out....LISTEN!!
How many of you even know where I live?
I'm not talking about the town, I'm talking about the actual house?
I can count on 1 hand the amount of visitors that have been here.
How long have I lived here?
7 months.
I ask people all the time if they want to come over.
Occasionally it happens, but can i live an unwanted life in solitude?

That's a lie. I'm not in solitude, I'm here...with the Dark.

I am okay, I promise. I am not ready to give up.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

How soon we forget...

When you cheated,(falling in love with someone else while still committed to another is fucking cheating, physical or not) on me with HM, you broke my trust. I stayed. You broke me into so many pieces. My work partner was the only person I talked to about it. I spent most of my days at work crying on his shoulders and talking myself out of leaving. I was crushed. You can relate, but I was there too. You always discount that. You always skip over the part of our marriage where you broke our vows, our trust, and my heart. I stayed. Because you and our family were worth it.

Every time I hear her name,  read  a post, hear people talk about her, look at myself in the mirror covered in her work I have to relive the moment over where you told me you love her.

You threw me in the trash. Thanks. That was awesome of you.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Fuck you Turvey.

I'm packing a life I had to move to a life I don't want anymore. When did my life become so meaningless that I don't see color anymore? Everything is so grey and cold all the time.
All I have done in between sleeping and eating is to manage to get my ass to work. I guess at least I still have a job. Silver lining, right? Fuck you.

I guess I need to start at the beginning. How I got here, how I ruined a pretty damn good life, and how Karma, oh the bittersweet, secret, dark, hard, Lady Karma just keeps kicking me in the proverbial dick day after day.

After reading this, if you don't feel like eating a bullet along with me, I haven't told the story correctly.

Short version: My wife is currently living with my ex girlfriend and my son. What the fuck, right?

Stay tuned folks, this gets crazy. Right now I need a cup of coffee, a cigarette, and meaningless sex with a woman whose name I didn't even bother to learn.

I have turned into Hank Moody. Good or bad, only time will tell. I'll either end up back with my wife and a lifetime of therapy with her and my family, or dead. Really no in-between at this point.