Can you blame me?

My friend's son took his own life a few days ago.
A few weeks ago, another friend of mine did too.

Here is what I am going to say...
It's the most relatable feeling I have.
I know everyone just gasped and people are freaking out right now.
Just listen.

This is how depression works:
Everyone is about to tell me how much they love me, how much I will be missed, and to think of my son.
You're right. I do have all of those things. I think about them all the time.
Honestly, I have many reasons to keep breathing.  I can find the good in everything.

But then there's the Dark.
The sweet, nurturing, call of darkness that constantly sings it's sweet melody in your ears.
You hear it in EVERYTHING!!!
You learn from the darkness.
You learn how to hide it like an addiction. Because it IS an addiction.
You learn you can cover it up by a smile and a joke.

You learn how to read people, and know exactly what to say to stop them from worrying about you. If they see this Dark in you, they will want to try to take it away. They want to take away the one thing that makes you feel so void, yet complete, yet invisible.

You really don't want to hurt anyone, so you withdraw. Then you're called a shitty friend. You stop getting invited because, "You never come anyways." Then the calls, texts, and social media exchanges stop.

What you have left? The Dark, It never lets you down.  It's always there with the open arms to take you right back in. You can't get away.

Even when you have a good day, and start to feel better, you crash... why??? The dark is right around the corner and you ran right into it.
You can't get the fuck away!!!!

Your head starts to spin on how to get rid of it, how to finally make it go away. Thinking of family, friends, reaching out, getting help, taking meds.
It masks, but doesn't take it away.

That's when the thoughts start.
The Suicidal thoughts.
The sweet thought of Freedom from the Dark.
"If I'm not here, the Dark can't happen."
I know people will be hurt if I go, but they won't see the Dark take me over. I WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!!!

The process of suicide is always thought out. It never just "happens" one day. It's just giving in. Finally calling a loss form the battle.

What does thinking about it do? Makes you feel worthless, unwanted, unloved.
We know its not us. But we feel like empty shells.
Shells are pretty, aren't they? Give the smile and the joke...and restart the cycle until you are gone.

When someone reaches out....LISTEN!!
How many of you even know where I live?
I'm not talking about the town, I'm talking about the actual house?
I can count on 1 hand the amount of visitors that have been here.
How long have I lived here?
 I live an unwanted life in solitude.

That's a lie. I'm not in solitude, I'm here...with the Dark.

I am okay, I promise. I am not ready to give up.